The Mystery Of Witt
by nvzblgrrl
Summary: Usopp has a camcorder, a burning question, and a whole lot of people he can ask about it. /Minor Mean Girls crossover. One-Shot.


**TO THE PERSON WHO WANTED ANOTHER ONE SHOT AND THE OTHER PERSON WHO WANTED TO SEE MORE OF WITT'S PAST - THIS IS MOSTLY YOUR FAULT /take pride**

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><p>The camera turns on, the initial picture too bright and blurry, but quickly focuses as the cameraman fumbles to get a good shot, zooming in on the dozing figure of Mercy D. Witt on the deck.<p>

"The first mate, Mercy D. Witt, would appear to, to the uninformed, to be a normal human being." Usopp turned around the camcorder to face himself, grinning widely. "Do not be fooled, dear followers. On the surface, he looks like your average pirate; mischievous, unpredictable, bat shit insane. Mostly true. But in reality, he is so much more than that."

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><p>Robin smirked, leaning on her elbow. "Mercy D. Witt…. How do I even begin to describe Mercy D. Witt?"<p>

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><p>"He's a dumbass." Nami huffed. "It's a mystery how he's lived so long, outside of sheer dumb luck."<p>

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><p>Chopper spun around on his chair. "He's smarter than he lets on, I think. He's just a bizarre person."<p>

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><p>"I heard a rumor that he was a former intelligence agent… for the World Government." Kaku said, leaning back against a wall.<p>

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><p>"He's an alien. Said so himself." Luffy said as he pulled his finger out of his nose, flicking the booger into the sea.<p>

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><p>Ace shrugged. "I don't know about that, but he's kinda creepy sometimes. Like the way that he knows things that nobody else knows. Maybe that's why his wardrobe is so big; it's full of secrets."<p>

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><p>Joke opened a single eye to look down at Usopp from his perch. "What? You think that kid tells me anything? I only know that he's the kind of person who manages to be too gay to function with everyone regardless of gender."<p>

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><p>Zoro raised an eyebrow, but didn't stop pumping iron. "He's a decent fighter. I mean, not as good as me, or even dart brow, but I'd trust him to watch my back in a fight."<p>

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><p>"He's a mind-flayer or something." Helmeppo said, not making eye contact as he peeled another potato. "How do you think he knows the things he does? Psychic powers."<p>

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><p>"Yeah, I'm in on the alien theory." Franky said, pushing up his glasses. "I mean, okay, I can accept the existence of Luffy, but seriously, a second one with psychic powers? Gotta be from outer space."<p>

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><p>"He's secretly a woman!" A madman in a box screamed, shaking the whole thing violently as Usopp beat feat.<p>

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><p>Paulie leaned in to the camera and pulled the cigar out of his mouth, tapping off some loose ash. "I hear he has connections to the underworld. But you didn't hear it from me, capisce?"<p>

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><p>"I hear he's a vampire! The very thought is bloodchilling!" Brook said, holding his bony hands to his face in an expression of terror. "Of course, being a skeleton, I have no blood to chill! Skull joke, yohohohoho!"<p>

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><p>"His favorite food is lemon chicken on rice." Sanji said, sighing. "Kind of beneath my skills, but hey."<p>

"How does that have anything to do with my question?" Usopp screeched.

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><p>"One time, he kept Luffy from punching me in the face." Coby said, sighing. "It was awesome."<p>

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><p>Usopp spun the camera around to face himself again. "Alright, as you, dear follower, can tell, nobody can agree on anything except that Witt's a weirdo. Which I knew already, but whatever." He posed dramatically. "There is only one way to uncover the truth; straight from the horse's mouth!"<p>

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><p>Witt snored on the deck, mouth hanging slightly agape before Usopp's brown hand snapped out to swat him. "Eh? Usopp-kuuunnnn…"<p>

Usopp cut him off. "I have one question, Mercy D. Witt!"

"What?"

"To quell the persistent rumors, tell us; what… exactly…. are you?"

"I… am…a … super pervert." A hand blurred out to smack the first mate on the head.

"The hell kind of answer is that?!" Usopp shrieked.


End file.
